Malach's 2005 Analysis of the NFL season.

9.05.2005

Now you asking youself, "Malach, yes you are an intelligent, sexifeid god, but why are you going to ananlyze the NFL season?". Well Buckos, because I can, and I am always right. So lets get too it shall we. I will list each Conference and where each team should finish in their Division.

AFC East
New England Patriots: They are still the cream of the crop of the NFL, and should still be the favorites to win it all. Most impressive about this team is that they win, and then get better the next year. Look up the players they had to cut, you could make a football team better than the 49ers out of them. They will probably finish 13 - 3, but could go 16 - 0, hey if any can do it, they can. The only way the Pats lose is if they lose multiple key members on both offense and defense (even though that hasn't stopped them before). Losing Bruschi (won't shock me to see him back in 6 weeks), Ted Johnson, and Ty Law, won't help, but Monty Beisel and Chad Brown, should do enough to replace the LB's, and the Pat's were missing Law for most of last season anyway. If Brady goes down (the unthinkable), watch out for the Doug Flutie/Matt Cassel combo. The Patriots are deeper than they have ever been and you just know, even though he won't admit it, Bellichick wants the three-peat. If you analyze this team, they are SCARY. This is the only team, I can look at and not figure out a way to beat them. But look on the bright side, if the Patsies can do it, so can any other team. As a life long Pats fan, I still remember the years of 1- 15 and 2-14.

New York Jets: The Jets are good enough to make the playoffs, but just having Herm Edwards as your coach is good enough to spot 3 losses during the season. The Jets whole fortune lies on Chad Pennington. Can he throw the deep ball? Can he throw at all? They have installed a new "Downfield Passing Attack" despite the soft arm throwing of Pennington. Curtis Martin, unless he suddenly spontaneous combusts, should have another good year. The addition of Levraneaus Coles, also improves their number one receiveing spot. Hey they still have Wayne Chrebet, the inspiration to short white guys everywhere! One can't help think back to the atrocious clock management, and sub par coaching of 2004 though.

Miami Dolphins: Welcome to the NFL Nick Saban, you pyscho. The Dolphins and Bills are a toss up for last. When Gus Ferotte, the man who broke his own neck slamming his head against RFK stadium, is your number one quarterback, you got problems. Ricky's back, for now. At least he can supply the team with pot . . . Could of been a selling point for Randy Moss. The Dolphins will win some games just for fear of pissing Saban off. Most concerning for the Dolphins is the loss of half their starting secondary, which was their best set of players last year. The Dolphins defense is getting older, and showed that last year. They have a pretty talented receiving core, but no one to throw the ball to them. And the Dolphins still needs to learn to play in the cold. Keep an eye on the rookie, Ronnie Brown

Buffalo Bills: Let the JP Lossman experiment begin! Actually the Bills have a very good defense, one of the best in the league. If Lossman is any good, their defense can keep them in games. The biggest problem the Bills have is playing in the AFC East. If they were in the NFC, they might finish 12 -4. To all my Central New York relatives, Scott Norwood owes you a Superbowl.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Yes, the Colts offense is amazing and scary. Their Defense, which is amazingly scary, is still going to give up 25+ per game. How else will the Colts do anything, but make the playoffs and lose on the road? IF Payton Manning (Dan Marino) can finally beat a Bill Belichick (Bill Walsh) team, Colts win the Superbowl. And Tony Dungee, just keeps proving me right, about his head coaching ability. Make him the defensive coordinator and put a real coach in there.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Don't be shocked if the Jaguars finish first in this division. What!? You heard me. GREAT defense. Watch for the emergence of Byron Leftwich now that he actually has a target in rookie Matt Jones (Randy Moss clone only bigger). Leftwich could be a very good quarterback, in the vein of Dante Culpepper. They are gonna surprise a lot of teams and if they are a bit lucky, come in first in this division.

Houston Texans: This team is consistent, consistently mediocre. Unless David Carr makes some major leaps forward, they should do a nice consistent 8 - 8.

Tennesee Titans: How the mighty have fallen, just a few years removed from a Superbowl they should have won. This team lost a lot of players, like a mass exodus from the flooded streets of New Orleans. With McNair, they should still be gamers, but this is definitely a rebuilding year. Take a gander at all the draft picks this team has accumlated for 2006. That how the Pats did it.

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers: Yes, the Steelers had a good year last year. Watch out though. Ben Roethlesburger is going to be a good quarterback, but expect a sophmore slump, as he is going to be required to throw much more this year. Bettis and Staley are both out for the forseeable future. Ben also lost his safety blanket in Plaxico Burress. Their defense should still be deadly, even with the key losses, but this team is beatable if you can put up 25 or more points on them. They should still come in first in this division and get bounced out of the playoffs early.

Cincinatti Bengals: The Colts of the AFC North, with a worse defense. They will score some points, but also give up a lot of them. If this team can have a halfway decent preformance from their defense, they will make the playoffs, if not, they will finish third in the division.

Baltimore Ravens: This team is old in the tooth on defense. It should still be good, but it is no longer good enough to carry them to a Super Bowl. Jamal Lewis is back from his little vacation, and he provides a much needed offensive spark, but against a good team, they have no shot, too one dimesional. Kyle Boller is poor man's Chad Pennington. If he needs to win you a game, you might as well forfeit.

Cleveland Browns: Romeo, Romeo, where for out thou Romeo? The Browns future is much more bright than it's present. This year reminds of year one with the Patriots and Bellichick. So, you can expect 5 - 11.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers: LaDainian Tomlinson is perhaps the best player in the NFL. Drew Brees has come into his own. Anotnio Gates is the next Tony Gonzales. They had a good season last year, despite Marty Schottenheimer. Some things you need to know about the Chargers. They were 12 - 4 last year, 11 of their 12 wins were against sub .500 teams. They played 5 playoff teams last year and lost all 5 games. Unless the Defense steps up, this team could go back to 6 - 10.

Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs could surprise a few this year. They made some major improvements on their defense, and their offense rivals the Colts. They might have a real shot at a title, if they can stop giving up 30 points a game. Best O-line if football, the Preist Holmes/Larry Johnson combo could set some records for a duo. Defense will be the key for the Chiefs this year.

Denver Broncos: Another team that could dominate in the NFC. They play everyone tough, but relying on Jake Plummer to take you to the promised land, is like using cyanide to cure a headache. This entire division though, could be up for grabs, would not shock me to see Denver make the playoffs. They have no running back, but expect someone to have a break out season for them there, like usual.

Oakland Raiders: Hey, at least they picked up Randy Moss. Again, look to trade for Ricky Williams, you could subsidize the team with Pot sales.

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Cream if the crop of the NFC (stop snickering) and an NFC team that could be successful in the AFC. They should romp this division and have it tied up by the 4th week. They got problems though. Team cohesion seems to be a factor this year. TO won't talk to McNabb? That should be fun. Actually the biggest problem for the Eagles? No runnning back. Don't get me wrong, Westbrook is awesome at what he does, but they have NO ONE to grind it out. There was a reason McNabb couldn't hold his lunch in the Super Bowl, that was it. I will miss Freddie Mitchel though. If they can get along, expect them to start a streak of losing consecutive Super Bowls.

Washington Redskins: The Redskins are a bit of an enigma. On paper they look good, and have for a few seasons. But when it comes to playing, there is no consintency, passion, or even skill at times. Advice from Malach to Joe Gibbs. Stick with Patrick Ramsey. Many are of the opinion that the game has passed Gibbs by . . . we will see.

Dallas Cowboys: The Bill Parcell's Smoke and Mirror show back for 2005! If not for the Giants, the Cowboys would finish last in this division. Bledsoe to Glenn to Keyshawn? Hey, retro's in right? If Dallas aging o-line cannot protect Bledsoe, it will be a long season in big D.

New York Giants: Check back with me next year on the Giants.

NFC South
Carolina Panthers: Expect the Panthers to return to form and battle it out for the tops in the NFC with the Eagles. Injuries decimated them last years, and I heard they are all back on the juice (still couldn't win them a Super Bowl). Perhaps the best defense in the NFC. A reapperance in the Super Bowl is not out of the question.

Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta should have enough to compete with the Panthers for the division, but Michael Vick needs to make some strides as a passer if they want to become a serious threat for a Super Bowl. The loss of Alge Crumpler is huge for this team, and they are now relying on two rookies as their wideouts. If it is once again the Michael Vick show, they will not beat the Eagles, Panthers, and about half the AFC.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: For the Bucs to do anything this year the defense will have to carry it. Brian Greise and Chris Sims, are the sons of two quartebacks that won Super Bowls, buy they are no where near Super Bowl quarterbacks themselves, and Greise can't seem to stay off the sauce. This defense is even older than the Ravens.

New Orleans Saints: Hey, the Pats won their first the year of 9/11. This team is gonna wish they floated away with Katrina.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Even with the loss of Randy Moss, the Vikes did the most of any tema, to improve themselves this year, and if the defense can gel, expect them to rise to the top eschelon of the NFC. Culpepper is the best quarterback in the NFL, and without the distraction of Moss, might explode this year. Biggest knock against the Vikes? Mike Tice is a bone head. Who'd he sleep with to get a head coaching job? Well, maybe he won't be distracted scalping tickets this year, or maybe not.

Detriot Lions: Joey Harrington, make the leap, or resign. You are holding this team back from greatness. Perhaps the best young recieving corps in the league, this team has the potential to be very good.

Green Bay Packers: Mr. Hat! You slept with Brett Favre! You wanna see some fun games? Watch the Packers. They will probably go .500, but they should be high socring. The Packers will put up some points, and win on the will of Brett Favre alone, but their defense could not stop a high school team.

Chicago Bears: These are the Bizzarro Green Bay Packers. Stifling defense, no offense. I just learned 2 days ago that their starting QB is Kyle Orton. Would not surprise me if the Bears average 9 points per game. Hey what happened to Kordell Stewart, my favorite train wreck?

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: The top spot in this division is a toss up between Seattle and St. Louis. Dropped Passes, that alone stopped the Seahawks from going any farther than they should of. Even Jerry Rice dropped 'em there. Well gone is Koren Robinson, who seemed to have retired to some rehab. Seattle, ride Shaun Alexander to the promised land! Their defense which underpreformed last year, should be better this year, and hey, how could you not like a team with a Tatupu on it?

St. Louis Rams: This should be a typical St. Louis year: Crisp school yard passing plays, one or two running plays a game, recievers ducking hits. And Mike Martz, he make Herm Edwards look like Vince Lombardi. This team is all flash, and should give up another 30 point a game.

Arizona Cardinals: Watch out for this team. Very good defense, very good young receivers, a rookie running back, who might be the real things (heck Emmit ran pretty well behind this o-line last year). And then we have Kurt Warner. A poor man's George Michael. Kurt, your turning into Chris Chandler with all these concussions. This team will surprise quite a few this year . .

San Francisco 49ers: Well, at least your guys have won 6 Super Bowls. This team is bad. 0-16 won't surprise me.

As for the post season, expect the Pats to three-peat.

Now if this blog pisses you off, it is not my fault that your team sucks. And remember, I get 10% of all you gambling winnings.

I am Malach, a God of the Pigskin.